Facebook stalking forumtard

This…. is disturbing.
Through the simple banishment of a forumtard I got myself a Facebook stalker.

Looks innocent enough, doesn’t it?

kevin1gamer (seen here, pretty in banned pink) was expelled from my Aliens forum for the following list of offences:

1) He’s an idiot.
2) Attempted to cheat on the referral contest by having his “brother” sign up (even though the contest rules said, same IP sign ups don’t count).
3) Spammed his referral link on other sites in contravention of the rules.
4) Requested a CD key for a game, which naturally was purchased legitimately.
5) Posted an advertisement for his site in the off topic area.
6) Signed up twice following the ban and, inexplicably, added his original account as the referrer…. (1) (2)

It got me thinking, ‘this guy really is a true Forum Tard. He must be featured.’ Little did I know, that was just the start.

Following on from the attempted additional registrations came the emails:

I love how Hotmail knew he was junk, it’s a good job he doesn’t have a built in spam prevention measure; he’d probably self destruct. The emails were duly ignored so next followed……

FACEBOOK STALKER!!

“YOU WILL BE UNFAVOURED OF THE GODS!”

“Why not just leave me alone anyway? That would be easier on us all.”

At this point I’m kinda thinking, ‘This guy must be on drugs. He must be so high right now.’ I’ve stopped short of blocking him on Facebook because it’s just too funny, but I’m thinking that if I can guarantee he’ll find some way or other to contact me every day it might be worth the block. It could become like some awesome game. Where each day kevin1gamer thinks of another intriguing way to contact me and I try to defeat his attempts. It could be an epic battle of wills, it could form a couple of chapters in my book. Forget Axis & Allies. This conflict has all the hallmarks of a classic. We have the hard-done-by, down on his luck, mentally-challenged hero in kevin1gamer, and we have the devious megalomanic narsa- narcis- narsic- narcissitic (?close enough?) bad guy in yours truly. This could be epic win.

“I’ll contact you every day until you die.” Okay, you’re not a fucking wierdo, are you?

Baring in mind we have this epic struggle about to begin, I thought that I’d start with that most moronic of oxymorons, military intelligence a.k.a. “Google it”. My findings were unexpected and gave me all the justification for the actions taken:

Yep. Google suggested when I searched ‘kevin1gamer’ that I might like to search instead for kevin1gamer banned (12,500 results) or kevin1gamer spam (3,500 results). I didn’t bother searching for either… There was no need. Not when I have this feeling of complete exoneration.

kevin1gamer, you’re a Forum Tard, and we salute you!

Racist joke fail

How many languages can you speak? Just one. English. And I see/hear so many versions of English bastardised by different people; even within the UK, that it’s fun to poke fun at the variations; English, Scottish, Chav (How many people spotted the comma between Scottish and Chav?), Welsh, Punjabi-call-centre-English, Urdu-call-centre-English… The list goes on:

Ohh… That’s where I was going wrong thinking that all of the things listed above were languages. Well aren’t I the thicko? They’re accents (actually they’re dialects, but let’s not nitpick).

I’ll clarify, since my racist joke has failed. Maybe I wasn’t obvious enough. Maybe I needed to add a “LOL” or a to make it very clear what I was aiming at. Maybe I’m just really, really shit at jokes.

It’s still English. Okay, okay, you got me. I was trying and failing to be funny. I’ll just go stand in the corner and bemoan the butchering of The Queen’s English both by our cousins over the Atlantic and the ppl hoo use txt al da tym in dis cuntry.

Read the rest.

“Fuckin’ sheepshaggers….”

What is a Tard?

Let’s clear this up, as this is not intended to be something offensive to those who have, amongst other things, Down’s Syndrome. I’d be offended if someone was to refer to someone I knew who had Down’s as a retard.

There is a difference between a Tard and a Retard which is eloquently summed up by Urban Dictionary.

A ‘Tard’ is any person who is not developmentally disabled, but rather has what is considered normal cognitive faculties but for whatever reason has opted out of using it. Whereas mental retardation is genetic in nature, this form of behavior is environmental usually resulting in too much daytime television, Brittany Spears piped in pop music, and other environmental factors.

So yeah, FORUMTARDS is supposed to be offensive, but only to the freaks and idiots we target. Not to anyone else.

EliteSniperKING

AKA: Anger management just makes me wanna kill people on the way out.

Not just a Sniper, but an Elite Sniper and a King to boot! EliteSniperKING is the coolest of the cool. Here on, of all things, a gaming forum, he waxes lyrical about how to get a 10 girlfriend. At first I wasn’t sure if he meant how to get ten girlfriends, but upon a further read he means a 10 out of 10 girlfriend. That one-of-a-kind perfect-in-every-way 100% the best of the best of the best girlfriend.

Well guys, it appears such a woman exists, and EliteSniperKING will show you how to get one too!

Point one, be a convicted felon. Be Gangsta! Because women (perfect 10 women) only go for convicted criminals. Get out there, buy a gun, rob a store and bag yourself a hottie. It’s the new mantra for 2010.

How to be cool according to EliteSniperKING:
1.) Get in shape. Round is a shape.
2.) blow your nose. Girls hate snot.
3.) Get some new clothes. Because what you’re wearing now (even though I can’t see you) is so last season.
4.) Get a low post count. 6000 won’t impress, 443 will. See guys, size isn’t every thing after all.
5.) Learn to talk to real people. Get off your xbox 360, stop playing every IW game, stop performing sex acts in aeroplanes on videogames (on Veteran difficulty no less), and get off forums.

6.) Don’t give a fuck about anything. But it’s okay to cry about a $30 dollar video game. That’s badass.
7.) Be an asshole to everyone but the girl. Especially her parents, siblings, elderly relatives. Beat her kid brother, sodomise the family dog and she’ll love you for it.
8.) Be a badass. Cry like a girl about a broken game on a publicly accessed forum. That’s badass.
9.) Walk slower.
10.) Commit suicide. Maybe by walking slower when crossing the street.

11.) Call yourself EliteSniperKING.

Thank you, EliteSniperKING, for that lesson in cool. I shall now aspire to be more like you.

Badass EliteSniperKING wants his money back, part one.
Badass EliteSniperKING wants his money back, part two.
Badass EliteSniperKING wants his money back, part three and how to get a 10 girlfriend.

Source: infinityward.com/forum

Question: How old do you think EliteSniperKING is?

iPad induced RickRoll failure

Sometimes trying to be funny can backfire with spectacular consequences. Here the OP thought it’d be ‘a laugh’ to use the popularity of the iPad to RickRoll unsuspecting forum viewers.

RickRollFail. Source: StrategyInformer.