…and kevin1gamer is all of you. kevin1gamer lives inside all of us, crying out at random times when we all want a wee bit of attention from our friends or family. And with this being the festive time of year where you are relentless in your desire to one-up your fellow family members in terms of gift quality, it is the little kevin1gamer inside of you that fuels that need.

So I say embrace the kevin1gamer. Love the kevin1gamer, allow the kevin1gamer inside each of you to grow so that one day you too can spam message boards with links to Engadget.

Or click here: boards.forumtards.com

It’s based on bbpress, so expect something really basic.

I’ve eaten all the jelly beans, now I’m going to bed.

What would you call the Forumtards Forums? (serious question)

In my line of work there is little which amuses more than the failed Spellingtard. Especially if the Spellingtard in question is one of our obnoxious US cousins:

“YOU DON’T SPELL AX WITH AN ‘E’! THAT’S PRE- Preepr- prepostroose.”

So when the “error” is:

a) Correct in the only version of English that matters
b) Accompanied by a glaring error of one’s own
c) Posted by an American
d) Already a subject less than ten threads from the top of the forum it is posted in

It makes me do a little sex-wee. This was too much of an opportunity to miss:

Click me to read the full thread

Delicious, isn’t it? It’s like people who are bad at fighting starting fights, or fat people challenging Olympians to a race, or France starting a war (sorry), or German comedians, or… the stereotypes are endless.

Don’t start a Spelling Bee if you’re too stupid to spell your own words right. This could only have been better in one other way:

kevin1gamer (seen here, pretty in banned pink) was expelled from my Aliens forum for the following list of offences:

1) He’s an idiot.
2) Attempted to cheat on the referral contest by having his “brother” sign up (even though the contest rules said, same IP sign ups don’t count).
3) Spammed his referral link on other sites in contravention of the rules.
4) Requested a CD key for a game, which naturally was purchased legitimately.
5) Posted an advertisement for his site in the off topic area.
6) Signed up twice following the ban and, inexplicably, added his original account as the referrer…. (1) (2)

It got me thinking, ‘this guy really is a true Forum Tard. He must be featured.’ Little did I know, that was just the start.

Following on from the attempted additional registrations came the emails:

I love how Hotmail knew he was junk, it’s a good job he doesn’t have a built in spam prevention measure; he’d probably self destruct. The emails were duly ignored so next followed……

“YOU WILL BE UNFAVOURED OF THE GODS!”

“Why not just leave me alone anyway? That would be easier on us all.”

At this point I’m kinda thinking, ‘This guy must be on drugs. He must be so high right now.’ I’ve stopped short of blocking him on Facebook because it’s just too funny, but I’m thinking that if I can guarantee he’ll find some way or other to contact me every day it might be worth the block. It could become like some awesome game. Where each day kevin1gamer thinks of another intriguing way to contact me and I try to defeat his attempts. It could be an epic battle of wills, it could form a couple of chapters in my book. Forget Axis & Allies. This conflict has all the hallmarks of a classic. We have the hard-done-by, down on his luck, mentally-challenged hero in kevin1gamer, and we have the devious megalomanic narsa- narcis- narsic- narcissitic (?close enough?) bad guy in yours truly. This could be epic win.

“I’ll contact you every day until you die.” Okay, you’re not a fucking wierdo, are you?

Baring in mind we have this epic struggle about to begin, I thought that I’d start with that most moronic of oxymorons, military intelligence a.k.a. “Google it”. My findings were unexpected and gave me all the justification for the actions taken:

Yep. Google suggested when I searched ‘kevin1gamer’ that I might like to search instead for kevin1gamer banned (12,500 results) or kevin1gamer spam (3,500 results). I didn’t bother searching for either… There was no need. Not when I have this feeling of complete exoneration.

kevin1gamer, you’re a Forum Tard, and we salute you!

Ohh… That’s where I was going wrong thinking that all of the things listed above were languages. Well aren’t I the thicko? They’re accents (actually they’re dialects, but let’s not nitpick).

I’ll clarify, since my racist joke has failed. Maybe I wasn’t obvious enough. Maybe I needed to add a “LOL” or a to make it very clear what I was aiming at. Maybe I’m just really, really shit at jokes.

It’s still English. Okay, okay, you got me. I was trying and failing to be funny. I’ll just go stand in the corner and bemoan the butchering of The Queen’s English both by our cousins over the Atlantic and the ppl hoo use txt al da tym in dis cuntry.

Read the rest.

“Fuckin’ sheepshaggers….”

There is a difference between a Tard and a Retard which is eloquently summed up by Urban Dictionary.

A ‘Tard’ is any person who is not developmentally disabled, but rather has what is considered normal cognitive faculties but for whatever reason has opted out of using it. Whereas mental retardation is genetic in nature, this form of behavior is environmental usually resulting in too much daytime television, Brittany Spears piped in pop music, and other environmental factors.

So yeah, FORUMTARDS is supposed to be offensive, but only to the freaks and idiots we target. Not to anyone else.

Not just a Sniper, but an Elite Sniper and a King to boot! EliteSniperKING is the coolest of the cool. Here on, of all things, a gaming forum, he waxes lyrical about how to get a 10 girlfriend. At first I wasn’t sure if he meant how to get ten girlfriends, but upon a further read he means a 10 out of 10 girlfriend. That one-of-a-kind perfect-in-every-way 100% the best of the best of the best girlfriend.

Well guys, it appears such a woman exists, and EliteSniperKING will show you how to get one too!

Point one, be a convicted felon. Be Gangsta! Because women (perfect 10 women) only go for convicted criminals. Get out there, buy a gun, rob a store and bag yourself a hottie. It’s the new mantra for 2010.

How to be cool according to EliteSniperKING:
1.) Get in shape. Round is a shape.
2.) blow your nose. Girls hate snot.
3.) Get some new clothes. Because what you’re wearing now (even though I can’t see you) is so last season.
4.) Get a low post count. 6000 won’t impress, 443 will. See guys, size isn’t every thing after all.
5.) Learn to talk to real people. Get off your xbox 360, stop playing every IW game, stop performing sex acts in aeroplanes on videogames (on Veteran difficulty no less), and get off forums.

11.) Call yourself EliteSniperKING.

Thank you, EliteSniperKING, for that lesson in cool. I shall now aspire to be more like you.

Badass EliteSniperKING wants his money back, part one.
Badass EliteSniperKING wants his money back, part two.
Badass EliteSniperKING wants his money back, part three and how to get a 10 girlfriend.

Source: infinityward.com/forum

Question: How old do you think EliteSniperKING is?

RickRollFail. Source: StrategyInformer.